3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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