i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
