Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
