Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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