I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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