I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
