I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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