He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
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