whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
