I've blown a few things in my day
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
