I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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