and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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