At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
