i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
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I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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