I accidentally burped into my bong.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm bleeding and have questions
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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