P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
only you would photoshop your dick
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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