the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
