if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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