i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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