He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize