Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
