Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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