I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
