I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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