Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
