i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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