How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
