i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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