you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
