guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
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She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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