Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
