Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
