respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
