he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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