I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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