Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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