You can't special order awesome
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Drake has all the answers
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
