Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
