Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
