when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
