peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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