So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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