yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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