I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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