This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
