I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
