woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I could make wine with my vomit
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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