Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
