you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
