there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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