We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
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