the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
