thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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