It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
