he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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