I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
