Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
