theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
