Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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